My jokes

My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.

At least Stephen Hawking does something.

Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

My sister has cows, and after 4 months, she said there was a mis-steak.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.

Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!

My friends: Hi to my little friend!

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

My dick itches.