Back

My jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

  • 8

    • What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?

    I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

    Check out my YouTube Channel! (Gamer Zacoo01).

    What do you say to Stephen Hawking when he dies?

    "Rust in pieces!"

    I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

    We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

    When I went to basketball training, there was a giant bag of basketballs on the floor.

    My friend was like, "That’s a huge sack of balls."

    He didn’t realize what was about to happen.

    I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

    He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

    Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

    Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

    Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

    Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

  • 3

    • We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

    My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."

    People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol.

    We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

    My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."

    People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

    We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

    My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

    We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

    So I made a simple cancer joke on Roblox with my friend, and then both her dumb-ass friends were like, "OMG WHY WOULD U SAY DAT? YOUR HORRIBLE!!" That pissed me off. Like damn woman, it's not like I said, "IF PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY DIED FROM CANCER THAT MEANS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE ALL DUMB-ASSES." If anything they are actually dumb asses but hey. Also they can't talk. They don't know that I'm abused everyday at home and pressured to get good grades or else I'd get my head bashed against a wall till there is blood. So if they are reading this, SUCK MY ASS BITCH.

    I like my women how I like my cigars: 7 years old and coming from Cuban in a burlap sack.

    Katie Price's answer for everything is darkness.

    She isn't a dull person, but playing eye spy with my little eye with Harvey is just way too easy.