My jokes

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

My life, your life, and your sister is a slut.

I like my women like I like my steak...

Bloody.

You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.

My life.

What does a human and a cat have in common? Both take my bed.

My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."

Want to hear a joke? My life.

My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.

At least Stephen Hawking does something.

Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

My sister has cows, and after 4 months, she said there was a mis-steak.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."