My jokes

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

Two sticks of butter walk into a butter bar. One says to the other, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" He replies, "Sure, dis my butter from another utter."

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

No. Eat my butt!

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

When my friend says I suck at something, I'm like, "U swallow."

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.