My jokes

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.

Dang, it got ketchup on my sleeve. What do I do?

Spread the love!

I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

Hippity Hoppity, women are my property.

Bippity Boppity, get the f*ck off my property!

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

I have breakfast with my boys.

I wear a nose on my forehead.

Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.

My pen is so strong, ladies, come and get it!

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

Today; worst day ever.

My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?

If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.