My jokes
Your mom's my dad. Think about that!
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
The teacher says to do your homework. I do. My friends do. One person never does any of his homework.
Eventually, we had to have fun. He said he didn't do it. WOW what did he do? I like to think he got smacked and nearly committed suicide.
One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
Want to hear a joke? I swear it isn't about my life again.
My mom and dad made a joke together and called it "yeetsu" (me)!
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
My parents love me.
I wish my lawn was emo, so I would not have to cut it, it would cut itself.
I remember my grandma's last words:
"What are you doing with that axe?"
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the church.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?
They're my friends.
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
Friend: Why don't you cut your hair?
Me: Dunno, but I'll probably cut my wrists first.