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My jokes

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

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    • So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

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    • Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

    Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

    One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱

    My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

    It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

    Superman has been called to a huge house fire.

    Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"

    Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"

    Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."

    Daddy bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"

    Mummy bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda!"

    To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.

    I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

    I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

    "That's not my age; it's just not true.

    My heart is young; the time just flew.

    I'm staring at this strange old face, and someone else is in my space."

    My wife went to make a cake. The recipe said, "Separate two eggs," so she put one egg in the living room.

    I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

    About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

    I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

    Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

    I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

    Ever wonder why pandas are endangered? Well, China's overcrowded, and therefore they're starving. They have to eat...

    Panda: "My god. They're coming! Run! They're hungry! Run! Roll down the hill!"

    Chinese People At Bottom Of Mountain With Spears: "Ching chong wing bong KABOB!!!"

    I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.