My Jokes

Hey, guess what I got for my birthday.

No, what did you get? Older.

I like my women like I like my diving pool:

Deep and wet.

What did the 90s rocker Space Engineer in multiplayer Miner yell at the Troll stealing his stuff?

"Hey! give me my Nickelback!"

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

My social life.

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

"I only eat food on the right of my plate."

"Are you good at eating?"

"I'm alright at eating."

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."

So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."

What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.

The duck bought lipstick. When he paid, he said, "Put it on my bill."

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.