My jokes

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."

Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

I asked my friend what happened to him?

His balance shifted.

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.

What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?

Me & my dad!

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.