Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed, "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.
My Jokes
My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏
Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.
Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).
I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.
Why is my sister horny? It's because she loves my dick.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Stranger: Do you need hair regrowth products?
Kid: No, my hairline is just far back.
Stranger: Do you need a doctor?
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
I was once playing the bottle flip challenge on the school table with my friend, and when it was his turn, the bottle fell to his eggplant! 😱😂
What does an Arab prostitute say?
"Bomb my pussy!"
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
