My jokes
I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.
It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
A riddle: My enemy is the Joker, I'm black and I help to save Gotham City. Who am I?
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and went right.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”
That's the best I've done so far.
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.
I want my first time to be special.
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.
My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?
They’re both in my bed.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!
I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."
Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
I asked my friend what happened to him?
His balance shifted.
My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."
You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.
What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?
Me & my dad!
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."