My jokes

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Hi, I'm Adopt, and you guys hurt my feelings. It is not God :(😔😞😔🥺. I'm just a kid. I'm 7.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

If Will Smith could be in any movie, he would be in "Find My Hairline."

I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

"Sigma" - By every boy in my class.

Who is my favorite underground rapper?

XXX Tentacion

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

What did the rapper say to the microphone?

"You're my closet confidant!"

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.