My jokes

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

I just wanted to write something random.

And now my wife is dead.

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.

Brendon, just shut up, no one was talking to you on the fucking joke! And my sis is not a female dog. If she was, then how the hell would she spell!

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭

What's the difference between you and my dad? You come home.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

You know I really love going to school and meeting my crush.

All I have to do is go to the Africa section.

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get out of me.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get in my mouth, oh how I wanna taste you.

Oh, butt plug, oh butt plug, something is nutty.

Your forehead is like my dad.

Non-existent.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.

My sister: See you at home in about an hour.

Me: Okay.

My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*

Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?

Sister: OMG, she's dead!

Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.