My jokes

I walk into my driveway. Stephen Hawking is on my roof.

Oh wait, never mind, he just fell.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Roses are red, I have free candy, get in my van, I have a gun handy.

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

My family was like dinosaurs when they got COVID.

They both went extinct.

What will happen if someone kicks you right in the balls?

You will be like, "Ow, my nuts!"

I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait.

Gwen sassy: Hi here, my credit card. Don't get it wet, it is too much!

Unknown: Okay!

Gwen sassy: Man, I am late, can you move along! Much!

Unknown whispering: Sexy!

Prince, do you love that girl Gwen more than me? Remember when you were at my house?

Hi, my name is Unknown Guy! Please join my group for the picture I show you, we will do this every week!

Thanks, leave a comment or sign in using the sign in sheet that I have in Google Forms or own the website.

Hint: Pictures of woman.

Btw, for men only!

Hi, my name is unknown guy! Please comment on the pictures I show you and join my group!

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

I was chopping onions with my brothers, so my little sisters cried. Onions was a good dog.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."