My jokes

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

I will never forget my mother and father's last words.

"Where the Sam hell did you get a grenade?"

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

You see, my son is very into astronomy.

Son: How do stars die?

Dad: Usually overdose, son.

I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.

Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was and pointed to me. I pushed him out of the car, and my other boyfriend took the front seat.

I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.

Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was.

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

I just wanted to write something random.

And now my wife is dead.

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.

Brendon, just shut up, no one was talking to you on the fucking joke! And my sis is not a female dog. If she was, then how the hell would she spell!

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭

What's the difference between you and my dad? You come home.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

You know I really love going to school and meeting my crush.

All I have to do is go to the Africa section.

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.