My jokes

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

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    • At gym class today, my friend made this song:

    🎵 I’m a Barbie girl, I am fantastic, my boobs are plastic!

    My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

    So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

    What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

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    • When it's ready for pickup today, I have to get my stimulus payment for a while, and then we'll go to bed... 🥱🥹🥺

    My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

  • 4

    • What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

    Little kids leave preschool.

  • 9

    • My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

  • 2

    • What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

    They both can't be found.

    What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

    My dad didn't beat cancer.

  • 1

    • A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

    What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

    Not my problem.

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    • I asked my mother about her mom.

    She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

    So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.