My jokes

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.

Guys, can you like my jokes, please?

Me people call me emo.

Older cousin: Why?

Because I always have my hood up and wear black cloths and wear black cross earrings.

Mom: Son, where are my condoms?

Son: What are condoms?

Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.

Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?

Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.

Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.

Want to know what I do in my freetime?

Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.

Girl: What?

It says "spray on flat surfaces."

"My name must taste good; it's always in your mouth."

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.