My jokes

They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.

My dad was a master of art. He was compared to Houdini due to his skill of disappearing.

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

I have a picture of Uranus on my computer.

The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

My sister 🤣😂

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

People in 1912: The Titanic is unsinkable!

Iceberg: Hold my beer.

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.