My jokes

My mum told me to take out the trash, but I couldn’t find you.

Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher asked, "How many of you guys are Trump fans?" Since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands, well, except Little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "Why are you being different again, Johnny?" So Little Johnny says, "Well, because I'm a Democrat. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat!" So then the teacher responds with, "Well, what if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Well, Little Johnny says, "A Trump fan!"

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

My girlfriend asked for a kiss, so I gave her my dick.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

What is soccer like when you lose your soccer ball?

Orphan: "My Parents."

Kid: I got homework.

Mom: Ok, so?

Kid: I got a F in my balls.

Dam, sometimes when I look at my friend's head, I say, "Dam, that's a dam big head, Nick." Then he is like, "Dude, that's a literal dam."

What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?

My ex-wife.

I think democracy is a scam. I love men and I love you. I love men and I love you. I love my dog. He won't sleep inside and I shitted my pants. I peed my pants. I smell bad. I took a shower and my dog was like, "Oh my god." I was like, "Oh." I was like, "Oh my god," and then I was like, "I shitted again" and he was like, "Bark bark," cause he's a dog. Thanks for listening.

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

My great grandpa killed Hitler.

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

You are like my girlfriend: imaginary and non-existent.

What do you call lesbians having sex?

My cheating dyke ex-wife!

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?

..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

Tell me morbid jokes in comments so I have some jokes for my friend.