My jokes

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

What is harder than steel?

My cousin at the family reunion.

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

My friend is a pimp.

I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"

What do you call a dick?

Suck my dick!

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.

How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.

A house has a crack. A guy covers it with Plaster of Paris.\n\nHouse: "Where the heck am I supposed to do my shit now?"

What’s the difference between my sister-in-law and a driveway?

I pull out of the driveway.

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

Back the halls with gasoline, la la la la la.

Light a match and watch it gleam, la la la la la.

My school is burnt into ashes, fa la la la la, la la la la.

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.