My jokes

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”

The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."