My jokes

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.

"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."

When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...

I have no beef with them.

Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.

About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."

Mom asked, "Why?"

Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

What is smaller than my dick?

Nothing.

I met a kid at the park. He was holding a picture of his parents in his hands. They had died on 9/11.

So, I went to comfort him. I said, "Hey, I lost my grandpa on 9/11. He was great. At flying a plane."

Germans be like, “Guten Morgan.”

Bitch, that's not my name.

Kim Jong Il: Knock knock.

Political Prisoner: Who's there?

Kim Jong Il: Boo.

Political Prisoner: Boo who?

Kim Jong Il: Boo hoo? Don't cry just because I executed your wife and enslaved your children. You at least get to eat today, my friend.

What does Marine stand for?

My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.

My boat is super fast, so I named it Usain.

Usain Boat.

I thought about learning skydiving without having to afford gear. But the highest place I got is my apartment window.

My science teacher asked me what is found inside cells.

I guess "blacks" wasn't the right answer.

In the French school, four sentences must be written. Fritz heard his mother say, "Close the door!"

Fritz went to his uncle and heard, "Yes, I'll put it there."

Then he came to his brother who said, "They call me Superman, hahaha!"

Finally, his sister looked at a photo and said, "Wow!"

The next day, the teacher said, "Okay, Fritz, it's your turn. Finish eating and take out the trash!" Fritz said, "Close the door!"

The teacher got angry and said, "I want to see the principal." Fritz replied, "Yes, my friend, I am leaving you."

The teacher asked, "I have forgotten your name, what is it?" Fritz said, "I'm Superman! I'm Superman! You're nothing!"

"Who do you think I am?" asked the teacher, who had become very angry. Fritz replied, "Wow!"

If possible, I refrain from brunching celebrities. My path is smooth. The table receives the branching.

When I arrived at my friend's house and, after a long time, I was given permission to pick from the branches and graze the dog, I agreed. Then the work begins. "No, no money," I replied, "that's why I'm a burden to the world that hurts me."

And when I told them, they told me and said they were there. If I had a job, I would be fired on the first day for bad behavior. The best solution is to avoid this situation.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.