My jokes
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"
My girlfriend accuse me of cheating. I asked her what was I supposed to do? She was just lying naked she said just do the damn autopsy.
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.
My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."
My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.
I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.
What is harder than steel?
My cousin at the family reunion.
My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).
All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."
Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"
My friend is a pimp.
I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile.
And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"
What do you call a dick?
Suck my dick!
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"