My jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

Anonymous

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

anonymous321

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.