My jokes

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

What's the difference between milk and my dad?

Nothing, I apparently am allergic to both because I never see either of them.

What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.

The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.

Are you a blood bender? 'Cause you're making my blood go south🖤.

What did the SS say when A.H. was running out of ideas?

"You Wannsee my 'final solution'?"

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

My favorite meme is, "N_gga."

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.