My jokes

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

Hi, my name is Meer Adnan Hussain. I am a Muslim. I live in Karachi, an area of Pakistan. I want this job. I am interested in this work. Please take me in this work. Your porn star, Meer Adnan Hussain. Wait for your email. Okay.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.