My jokes

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”

The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.

Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"