My jokes

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

What do the Twin Towers and my Mom have in common? They both went down on my dad.

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.

It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.

Hey girl, are you a scientist?

Cause you made my thing into a baking soda volcano.

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

I like my clocks like I like people.

Under 12.

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

My mom said if I'm awake playing Roblox still, she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboard. hxhdhduhxbsfj.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be a jaeger, will you be my kaiju?

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.