My jokes
What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.
So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.
I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.
Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.
1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.
Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)
What’s the difference between orphans and cars?
I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.
My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
I'm gonna cut my life off.
"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.
Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.
+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.
+1 Comet.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.
It was really heavy on me.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
1 like = 1 more child in my basement.
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.