My jokes

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

One time I looked out the window and then I saw my sister, and she wasn’t even my sister anymore...

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

Me and my friends jumped some orphans. Who will they tell? Their parents?

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

Pilot: This is my last flight, everyone.

Passengers: *Clap*

Pilot: I became a pilot for one reason: To conquer my greatest fear.

Flight Attendant: And what is that?

Pilot: Dying alone. *speeds up towards Twin Towers*

Also the Pilot: Now who is ready to play some Jen---

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

My favorite book is "Brown Spots on the Ceiling" by Ho Fung Poo.

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?

Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.