My Jokes

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

I like my clocks like I like people.

Under 12.

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

My mom said if I'm awake playing Roblox still, she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboard. hxhdhduhxbsfj.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be a jaeger, will you be my kaiju?

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.

I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.

Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?

Like and comment if you will be my friend!

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?

My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Tell your mom happy last night. 🍆 in my bed.