My jokes

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

The emo girl in my class did her photosynthesis project on a tree. Little did she know that would be her demise later on.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.

Roses are red, My cat try to kill your next >:)

Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

Roses are red,

My nuts are bigger than your small balls, that's why I get all the bitches.

1 like = 1 more child in my blender.

Orphan: Asks you random joke. What is the difference between my boomerang and my parents?

Me: The boomerang came back.

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

I like my people how I like my tea...

In a bag under water.

The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!

Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.