My jokes
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*
I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.
My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.
My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.
Things to kids:
Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."
A Good Parent: "My baby!"
Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)
I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...
Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.
It’s called Enditol.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
I felt bad for a dog, and I looked to my left, and there was an orphan, and I said I will make you a website, and I said there won't be a homepage.
Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."
My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.