My jokes

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't look in my backyard, or I will come for you.

My friend: Hey, I got 15 kills!

Me: I got 60 kills!

My friend: I didn't know you played Call of Duty!

Me: What's Call of Duty?

1 like = 1 kid in my oven. I'm trying to get followers and comments, please.

Daddy, where's my anus?

While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.

1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.

Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)

What’s the difference between orphans and cars?

I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

I'm gonna cut my life off.