Mortality jokes

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?

They're both dead...

Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"

Me: "To reduce the population by one."

Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.

Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.

What do you call a dead baby?

Spawn killed.

How is the world like dirt?

Because we don't think twice about it.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."

What’s the best part about fucking suicide girls?

The pussies are limited edition.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

What’s the best part about stage four cancer?

There’s no stage five.

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.

Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)