Morbidity jokes
Do you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?
Yes, I know the murderer, The muffin man, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
I'll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you're now worthless to me!
I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"
What's the worst living thing on planet earth?
Humans.
Why the f was my shooting joke removed? It was funny, and this is obviously a website for morbid humor. WTF, I mean, worstjokesever.com. Come on...
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A man gets arrested after writing "MORBID JOKES COMING OUT THIS TIME NEXT YEAR!" and "I'm gay!"
It's not pedophilia, it's early access.
A child with cancer says, "Mother, what will I be when I grow up?"
Then the mother says, "Shut up, dick, you have cancer!" Hehehe.
Jake had sex and broke her hymen, guess he’s Jake the ripper.
Q: You know what's morbid at a storage sale?
A: They give you more bids.