Morbid jokes

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?

He had no legs.

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.

This joke is short... like your dick!

One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.

What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?

Chunky Tomato Soup.

What is a female gamer's favorite part of the controller?

The joystick.

How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.

What do you call a gay person in Antarctica?

Bi-Polar.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.

Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."

Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.

How many genders are there?

One, women are property.

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

One day, there were three people: a mom and two kids. One of the kids walks up and asks her mom why she was named Rose. Her mom told her that she ate a rose petal when she was born; that is why she was named Rose.

Then the second child walked up and yelled, "Ahhhhhh!" and the mom said, "Shut up, Billy Goat!"

What's harder than taking a shit?

Trying to take a shit while constipated!

So I went to a mall and I was finna buy something... and I saw a little boy and he said "hello," so then I passed by him and he said "hi," and I was like "hi nigga," and he said, "um, just wondering something... I mean I like jokes, but what is dark humor?" And I was like "umm🤔.. it's like 🤔🤔...like you see that guy without legs? Tell him to stand up"... and he said "I'm blind nigga" and I said "exactly homie"... aight nigga peace and look out😏😉

What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.

Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.

Forrest Gump: Who's your favorite Lord of the Rings character?

Lieutenant Dan: Legaless.

I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.

I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.