Morbid jokes

Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.

What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.

My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?

It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jill could whack off Jack. Jill yelled out, "Jack, where is your sack?"

Said, "I'm not Jack, I'm your friend Nancy."

Say this out loud: "Gabe Itch."

Roses are red, the sky is blue, what do you do? Oh, never mind, I'm not homo like you.

"Peppa's ribs."

How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.

What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?

I don’t microwave forks.

What do you get when you kill a brown chicken and brown cow?

Dead chicken and dead cow.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

There once was a commie called Ed. Usually known as Ned. He went to bed, Got shot in the head, Unfortunately now he was dead.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

I tell short people to reach for the stars.

They are always a bit short of reach.

Bully: Ur Gay.

Me: I'M STRAIGHTER THAN THE LINE IN OSAMA BIN LADIN'S PLAN.

Bully: *runs away and hears crash*

What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?

The steering wheel.

What is something that smells yuck? 🤮

Old bus seats.