Morbid jokes

How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.

What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?

I don’t microwave forks.

What do you get when you kill a brown chicken and brown cow?

Dead chicken and dead cow.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

There once was a commie called Ed. Usually known as Ned. He went to bed, Got shot in the head, Unfortunately now he was dead.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

I tell short people to reach for the stars.

They are always a bit short of reach.

Bully: Ur Gay.

Me: I'M STRAIGHTER THAN THE LINE IN OSAMA BIN LADIN'S PLAN.

Bully: *runs away and hears crash*

What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?

The steering wheel.

What is something that smells yuck? 🤮

Old bus seats.

Why did LazarBeam kiss a man?

Because he couldn't kiss Fresh; he was already gay.

I knew the human race made mistakes, but you're the worst I've seen so far...

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

A blind teenager who is bad at reading wants to go hunting, so he finds a hunting ground called s-ch-ool.

Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.

I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.

Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.

Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?

He had no legs.

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.