Morbid jokes

What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?

I don’t microwave forks.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

There once was a commie called Ed. Usually known as Ned. He went to bed, Got shot in the head, Unfortunately now he was dead.

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

I tell short people to reach for the stars.

They are always a bit short of reach.

Bully: Ur Gay.

Me: I'M STRAIGHTER THAN THE LINE IN OSAMA BIN LADIN'S PLAN.

Bully: *runs away and hears crash*

What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?

The steering wheel.

What is something that smells yuck? 🤮

Old bus seats.

Why did LazarBeam kiss a man?

Because he couldn't kiss Fresh; he was already gay.

I knew the human race made mistakes, but you're the worst I've seen so far...

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

What's better than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

One dead baby nailed to ten!

Dark jokes are like Antarctica.

They're cold.

A blind teenager who is bad at reading wants to go hunting, so he finds a hunting ground called s-ch-ool.

So I was at a class at school, and then boom, explosion. Lots of dead.

I shoot at the people too, haha, goodbye class. Scary.

Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.

I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.

Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?

He had no legs.