Morbid jokes

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

I'm bored and I'm sure someone scrolling through here is too, so wanna chat? Pls.

I told people your mom is also known as "MBD" because you're a mega baby dispenser.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because he was dead.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Anal sex is for A**holes.

Q: Wanna see something funny?

A: Sure.

*bomb Florida*

"That's not my name, but okay, that's cool. My name is Coco, but okay, and I already knew Jayden was a boy who is bi."

Two baby seals walk into a club.

Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"

The bartender says, "No bread here."

And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"

And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."

So the duck says, "Got any nails?"

And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

What's the best part about having emo grass?

It cuts itself!

The person I hate: Omg, my mom and dad just died.

Me: Omg, I am so sorry, don't worry.

The person I hate: I have a boyfriend.

Me: Well, I have a mom and dad.

The person I hate: Rood.

Me: Shut up.

Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.

What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.

My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?

It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"