Morbid jokes

Morbid Jokes

Jumper

What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

...

...

Their knees.

*Ba dum tss*

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  • Submarine

    Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

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  • Bible

    Why are people mad at me? All I did was tell the truth and put the Bible in the fiction section of the library.

    Wordplay

    A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."

    Name

    Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?

    Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.

    Boy: Okay, Dad.

    Dad: No problem, Brick.

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  • Rape

    Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till you're asleep to rape you.

    Bitch

    So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

    So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

  • 4
  • Baby

    How do you get a baby to stop crying?

    Simple... you staple its mouth shut.

    Crime

    Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

    Cancer

    What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?

    A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.

  • 5
  • Serial Killer

    Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.

    Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.

    Shelter

    What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

    "Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

    Teen

    Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

    Condoms 99 percent effective.

    Birth control 99 percent effective.

    Etc.

    Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)