Morbid jokes
What do starving kids call Venetian blinds?
Bunk beds.
Son: Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?
Because your mother had diabetes.
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face as you climax.
Q. What did the math book say to the other math book?
A. I have too many problems.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.
They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.
A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.
I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people's dicks in it.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What makes you think feminists can change anything?
So a woman walks into a magician's toy store and browses the collection. Among which was a black, phallic-looking object. She brings it to the counter and asks, "what's this?"
The cashier explains that it's a magical dildo that will listen to whatever you say, "fuck me in the ass," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the ass, "fuck me in the pussy," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the pussy, "faster," it'll go faster, "harder," it'll go harder. She bought this magical artifact and went home for a night of fun and pleasure.
After receiving several orgasms from the magical dildo, she'd had enough, and she told it to stop, but it didn't. The dildo continued to penetrate her, it would go harder and faster, but it refused to stop or slow down. In a panic, she ran over to her car and drove to the hospital to get it surgically removed. Her panic made her disregard the traffic rules, and she quickly found herself pulled over by a cop. As she pulled down her window, the cop leaned towards the door and asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going!?", the woman tried to explain the situation, she told the officer about the magical dildo stuck in her pussy, but the officer didn't believe her, "magical dildo, my ass" he said, and the lady drove home.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?
Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.
What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?
One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.
What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.