Morbid jokes
My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
So I found out a rainbow is basically where a guy ejaculates in a female's mouth and she swallows her period juice and they both kiss each other, swishing it together in each other's mouth, and it forms a rainbow.
And a strawberry shortcake is basically where a dude ejaculates on a female's face and then punches her in the nose, causing her to bleed. That's why it's called a strawberry shortcake.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.
All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
I finally got my wife to shut up.
Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*
Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
What’s worse than dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust.
I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?
*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*