Morbid jokes
What do you call an alligator that reads maps? Navigator.
A baby seal walks into a club...
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.
What do starving kids call Venetian blinds?
Bunk beds.
Son: Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?
Because your mother had diabetes.
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face as you climax.
Q. What did the math book say to the other math book?
A. I have too many problems.
So a woman walks into a magician's toy store and browses the collection. Among which was a black, phallic-looking object. She brings it to the counter and asks, "what's this?"
The cashier explains that it's a magical dildo that will listen to whatever you say, "fuck me in the ass," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the ass, "fuck me in the pussy," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the pussy, "faster," it'll go faster, "harder," it'll go harder. She bought this magical artifact and went home for a night of fun and pleasure.
After receiving several orgasms from the magical dildo, she'd had enough, and she told it to stop, but it didn't. The dildo continued to penetrate her, it would go harder and faster, but it refused to stop or slow down. In a panic, she ran over to her car and drove to the hospital to get it surgically removed. Her panic made her disregard the traffic rules, and she quickly found herself pulled over by a cop. As she pulled down her window, the cop leaned towards the door and asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going!?", the woman tried to explain the situation, she told the officer about the magical dildo stuck in her pussy, but the officer didn't believe her, "magical dildo, my ass" he said, and the lady drove home.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call gun ammunition made out of human babies?
Project-childs.
(Projectiles)
I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!
A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people's dicks in it.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What makes you think feminists can change anything?
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?
Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.