Morbid jokes

"Sweet victory" fans: Fuck the NFL. They should be disbanded!

Harvey Weinstein: I raped five girls, and the NFL was one of them.

My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.

I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.

What's similar between a fetus and a failed mission?

You abort it.

What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?

"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

One day, a child walks along and asks, "Mother, why am I called Butterfly?"

The mother replies, "A butterfly landed on you as a baby."

A minute later, another child comes along and says, "Mother, why am I called Feather?"

The mother then replied, "Because a feather fell on your head when you were born."

Then Brick comes along and says, "Ahahhsdjsjskxs."

Did you know that there is a new drug on the market for lesbians who are suffering from depression? It's called Trycoxagain.

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!

Today I ate out my girlfriend... Jeffrey Dahmer style.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke...

I decided to abort.

I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

I got detention one day. I don’t know why; I only slapped the emo kid on the wrist.

What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?

You fix both with a coat hanger.

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

If white people turn black when they char, what happens to the black ones?