Morbid jokes
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
To keep their legs closed.
Csgo is just practice for when you want to one tap some 3rd graders
Wanna hear a joke? My life! Hahahah! Just kidding, jokes actually mean something...
If you're going shopping at school, what color would I like to smell: True or False?
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!
What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?
Shooting up schoolchildren.
What do you call a bus full of kids? A killstreak.
Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.
And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.
What's a Parkinson's victim's least favorite song?
Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off".
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
What did everyone say about the crazy unemployed homeless man?
He made no cents.
Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar?
He said "¡Hola snack bar!" ¡Hola means hello in Spanish.
What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?
In the U.K., it's a swear word.
In America, it's a family reunion.