Morbid jokes
We're all unique, which is something we all have in common.
My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
Life is too short, just like me. Get roasted, short people!
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?
By cutting off her fingers.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Well, at least one gets picked.
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
John saw a Gay in a wheelchair.
"I didn't know a man could be a fruit and a Vegetable!"
What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage? "Let us prey together."