Morbid Jokes

A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."

I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"

Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"

"My penis."

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

One day, two friends found a treasure map. So they decided to try to find the treasure.

After several hours they found the treasure. It was a suit that gives the person wearing it super strength. One of the friends wore the suit and hugged the other friend. They were both red.

I screamed "Jenga" today when watching the 9/11 documentary.

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

Why did Adam commit suicide? Andy went through the back door.

How does Jesus whistle?

By blowing through the holes in his hands.

Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?

A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏

What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

Screw anima!

Oh wait, that's called hentai.

What’s a Muslim’s favorite car?

A Citroën C4.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?

To get them into his van.

What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

The mother and her daughter went to the store. After they arrived, the daughter looked around and ran off somewhere. The mother realized this and took off looking for her. After a while, she found her tugging on a black man. The mother asked, "What are you doing?" and the daughter replied, "I wan't the chocolate!"