Morbid jokes

Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.

How do you start a dance party?

Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.

How do you fit 27 New Zealand tourists in a 15-seater bus?

Simple. All in the ashtray.

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

Why are there 25 letters in the alphabet? Because the D is in U.

Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.

What's the best thing about beating up orphans?

They can't tell their parents.

What was the Nazi racing tournament in 1943?

Gasar.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? She will let it go.

Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"

"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

What do you call an alligator that reads maps? Navigator.

A baby seal walks into a club...

A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.