Morbid jokes
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A murderer.
A murderer who--
Is cut off by being murdered.
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
At least Africans don't have to worry about food critics.
A chopper full of white people is also called a helicopter.
A chopper full of black people is called a hellacopter.
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?
Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.
Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, they have a British accent.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.
I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.
Why is a pro fighter like a fisher?
They both can throw a hook.
How many children can you fit in a box?
Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.
What's the only type of abortion Republicans will never try to legislate against?
A school shooting.
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Super Power Beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.
Splat.
The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife? “Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”
There's 3 things I hate.
1. Jokes
2. Lists
3. Irony.