Morbid jokes

My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.

So all his friends came in one car.

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

How do you start a dance party?

Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.

How do you fit 27 New Zealand tourists in a 15-seater bus?

Simple. All in the ashtray.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

Why are there 25 letters in the alphabet? Because the D is in U.

What was the Nazi racing tournament in 1943?

Gasar.

What's the best thing about beating up orphans?

They can't tell their parents.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? She will let it go.

Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"

"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

A baby seal walks into a club...