Morbid jokes
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"
Friend: "I don't know."
Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
What's yellow and can’t swim?
Your dead fish.
What do you call six gay men at war? Rainbow Six Siege.
Why can't America play chess?
They're missing two towers.
How do you get a baby into a small bowl?
A blender.
How do you get it out? Tostito chips.
I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."
When you say, "I'm high!"
But then you fall off.
My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.
My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
What's a rapist's favorite scale?
C Minor.
Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
Me.
The joke is me.