Morbid jokes
Nobody:
The Vietcong when America lands on their beaches:
tReE pOwErS aCtIvAtE!
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*
Have you heard about the new Russian STD? Rottsmikokov.
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
What is the difference between the rook and the bishop? The rook goes straight, while the bishop moves diagonally.
Happiness.
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
What does a Rubik's cube and a man's penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?