Morbid jokes

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

Hey anime girl, I hope you know that Jayden is a boy and we got back together.

Hahahaha, you never had a chance, so hahahaha!

What's so bad about 9 divided by 11?

What is a kidnapper’s favorite shoe?

White Vans.

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

"Sweet victory" fans: Fuck the NFL. They should be disbanded!

Harvey Weinstein: I raped five girls, and the NFL was one of them.

What's a convict's favorite chore?

Weeding.

I blend children to make a good living.

Rape, 9/11, abortion, orphan, murder, dead, kill, drugs.

What makes all these categories so familiar? Either you've experienced them, or made them up in your backstory.

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."

There was a kidnapping, but he woke up.

Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.

The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"

Why do elephants paint their toes red, blue, green, orange, brown, and yellow?

So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

How do I feed the baby with my pants on?

Kid asks, "What is dark humor?" Me *points*, "See that guy across the street..." Kid: "I can't... I'm blind." Me: "Exactly."

Your spelling is more morbid than any of these jokes.