Morbid jokes

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?

Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.

What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?

Watching their expression change.

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?

Harlem, New York.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.

Your spelling is more morbid than any of these jokes.

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

Hey anime girl, I hope you know that Jayden is a boy and we got back together.

Hahahaha, you never had a chance, so hahahaha!

My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

"Sweet victory" fans: Fuck the NFL. They should be disbanded!

Harvey Weinstein: I raped five girls, and the NFL was one of them.