Morbid jokes
Why is the dog having KFC? Because the dog has no friends.
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
Free delivery XD
Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?
A: You gonna eat that?
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
Q: Who are the fastest readers? A: Twin Tower victims, they got 80 stories in ten seconds.
I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To get to the other side (suicide).
Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.
What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
What’s the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?
A zit waits till you’re 13 to come on your face