Morbid jokes
What did Stevie Wonder see when he got murdered?
Nothing.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
What do you call an Iraqi swimming in the water?
A bath bomb.
What's a pedophile's favorite holiday?
Halloween. Free delivery!
What's worse than sticking 12 raw oysters up your grandma's pussy and sucking them out?
Sticking 12 raw oysters up there and sucking out 13.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.
What's black, white, and red all over?
A bi-racial car wreck.
A boy and girl are fucking. The girl yells "Senpai!" The boy smiles, pleased, but then her father walks in and says "What?"
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
What does Earl Bradley and an Xbox have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"
In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.
Why?
They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
"No."
Yeah, but then he woke up.