Morbid jokes

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

What can change color and get beat up?

You.

Dark humor never gets old, just like children with cancer.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

Helen Keller walked into a bar.

Then a table.

Then a chair.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?

I've never seen the inside of a mansion.

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.

The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"

Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.

The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.

The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

*I was actually up all night watching.*

When the school lets you near children again...

I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!

Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.

What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"Same time next month?"

If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.