Morbid jokes
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because it's extinct.
A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.
The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!
The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”
A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"
The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."
The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.
The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
I moved so much stone today.
I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.
What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?
I know how to use an exercise band.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Q: Why was 10 afraid?
A: Because he was always between 9/11.
Pretend you're an orphan and I'm telling you a joke:
Your mom.
Two of my grandpas died in WW2.
Their tower fell over.
What did Michael Jackson find on his bed?
Billie's Jeans.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
One day, two friends found a treasure map. So they decided to try to find the treasure.
After several hours they found the treasure. It was a suit that gives the person wearing it super strength. One of the friends wore the suit and hugged the other friend. They were both red.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"
I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
That moment when you have to ask your Chinese neighbor if he's seen your cat.
Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.
Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.