Morbid jokes
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.
Kids?
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
Rowan
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
An apple a day keeps a doctor away... at least if you throw it hard enough.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.
Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.
The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.
The son comes outside and steps on a crack.
The dad then dies in a car crash.
Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.
*looks up*
Oh, never mind.
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.
At least now I can have his phone he left.
I know this isn't the real chicken wing song, but my version...
"Chicken wing, chicken wing, I want your mommy. Slap her with my hairy salami while she's still yawning."
Make your own chicken wing song and put it in the comments... :)
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.
Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.
The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”
As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.