Morbid jokes
What's the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?
A ginger with friends.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?
Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.
What is 1 + 1?
They didn’t tell me. Their stomach is upset.
Someone dies.
What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?
They both make terrible hunters.
My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
Hi, my name isn't Pi.
Look up at the sky and wonder why.
Why are you alive?
A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.
Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."
What do you call a girl with only one leg? Eileen.
What about an Asian girl with only one leg? Irene.
Since Christopher Reeves can't play Superman, they got a new person: Christopher Walken.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*
So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.
That’s the punch line.
Best friend *holds a sign up that says "what gender are you?"*
Me: Uh, male?..
Best friend *then unfolds paper so it reads "what gender are you attracted to?"*
Me: You silly goose.
*Silence for like three seconds*
Me: Still male though-
What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.