Morbid jokes
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?
I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
All jokes are funny with the correct delivery. Except for abortion jokes, there is no delivery.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
Mexican runs into a wall. He loses hope.
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
Mrs. Duncan knows where you live. She lives there too. In your basement... lolololololololololololololololololol