Morbid jokes
What's a pedophile's favorite holiday?
Halloween. Free delivery!
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
Same time next month?
What objects have the most gravitational force?
A Lambo and a gold digger.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"
Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
What's the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid? It depends on who's shooting.
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!