Morbid jokes
Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
What's the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid? It depends on who's shooting.
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.