Morbid jokes
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross country.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.