Morbid jokes

They said I couldn't drive.

Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

Why do people want emo grass? Because it'll cut itself.

There are 6 kinds of vitamins. Wanna know how the 6th vitamin was made? Just ask the Ku Klux Klan, they will tell you.

"Simba is proof cats don’t always land on their feet."

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.

The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!

Say, "Crack my fingers."

Now say that backwards...

I tell short people to reach for the stars.

They are always a bit short of reach.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.

Boy: Okay, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Brick.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

How do make an adult cry?

Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.