I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.
Morbid Jokes
My father said I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.
One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.
One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.
The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"
Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?
Pedophiles don't win races because they like to come in a little behind.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"
I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."
How do you make a pink Smurf?
You peel the skin off.
Today, my mother was making breakfast. As she was tired, my brother asked if there was anything to do today.
She responded with a list:
- Take out the trash.
- Clean your room.
- Make lunch and be sure to butter the electrical sockets.
That’s all sweetie!
When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
