Morbid jokes

I tell short people to reach for the stars.

They are always a bit short of reach.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.

Boy: Okay, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Brick.

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

How do make an adult cry?

Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.

Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

What is a female gamer's favorite part of the controller?

The joystick.

The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.

What's a Latino's favorite sport? Lacrosse.

What's the best way to get ten babies in a bowl? A blender. What's the best way to get them out? A blender.

A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?

Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.

Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.

Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.

Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.