Morbid jokes
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?
A Catholic priest.
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a dinosaur?
The dinosaur once existed.
So a blond and a brunette jumped out of a plane. Who hit the ground first?
The blond because she had to ask for directions.
Why were the Twin Towers sad?
They ordered Dominos and got Jets.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
We don't got sluts in the South, we got NATS: Nasty Ass Traveling Sluts.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Two gay lovers find out they are brothers.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
There are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens. How many didn't?
A - 10
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
Why do people want emo grass? Because it'll cut itself.
There are 6 kinds of vitamins. Wanna know how the 6th vitamin was made? Just ask the Ku Klux Klan, they will tell you.
"Simba is proof cats don’t always land on their feet."