Morbid jokes
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"
Going in a military.
The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
What's an old man's favorite food?
Wrinkled onions.
What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?
One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.
You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
Say what you will of pedophiles, but you can't ignore their problem with immature ejaculation.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Willis.
Willis who?
Willis dick fit in yo mouth?!
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."
Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."
So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"
The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"
The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"
My son always said he wanted to skydive, so we went on a plane, and mid-flight, we had to jump out. The only issue is we were on a commercial flight to Arizona.
I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.
My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.
Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"
"My penis."
I made a website for orphans.
It has no home page.
People need to stop taking life so seriously. After all, no one gets out alive!
The clock struck one!
Then down did come!
Hickory dickory doc
What am I?
Random- a mouse?
Me- no dumb shit!
Random- what is it?
Me- the guillotine!