Morbid jokes

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."

O Dario tem namorada?

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.

Q: What do you call white people on a black bus?

A: Oreo

Rock, paper, lesbians.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?

Ask Boeing.

I got rejected from art school today, so yeah.

Follow me on Twitch @EddyTheSurfer.

Son: Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?

Because your mother had diabetes.

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

Borthwick's hairline.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.