Morbid jokes

I have WWII in my blood since my great-grandfather killed Hitler.

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't told her twice already.

What do women and moldy bread have in common?

A yeast infection.

Q: Do you know the quadratic formula?

A: Duhhh!

Comment: Then solve it!

Formula: -b ± √(b2 - 4ac) / 2a

Q: Why are morbid jokes so cruel?

A: Because they are!

What's the difference between a club and a bar?

I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.

Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

I am sick and tired of horror movies; it is always the stupid ones that die first. When you see a guy in a dark, bloody coat and a knife, he ain't there to just look at yah run; don't scream, run!

Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To get to the other side (suicide).

Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."

British MP Sally Ann Hart has filed for divorce citing sexual unfulfillment.

Her husband couldn't fuck her the way her stupidity could.

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?

Being gay sounds like a pain in the ass.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Roses are blue, violets are blue.

What? Ohh, shit!!!!!! I hate having dyslexia!

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?

Shooting up schoolchildren.