Morbid jokes

I'm dead inside.

What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, she's still trying to open it...

I help suicidal people.

BTW verb not adjective.

Best way to stop a fight between deaf people?

Just turn off the lights.

Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?

A: He got shot.

Did you know cannibals ate KFC?

Kentucky Fried Children.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A bus full of children.

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

"Peppa's ribs."

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?

A trash can behind the cancer ward.

What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?

You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.

How do you fit 27 New Zealand tourists in a 15-seater bus?

Simple. All in the ashtray.

Nobody:

The Vietcong when America lands on their beaches:

tReE pOwErS aCtIvAtE!

Why did the frog cross the road?

To show his gang that he had guts.

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.