Money jokes

Want to save 50% on your Chinese?

Just ask before you pay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill each with $20. Jill came down with $40. Fucking whore!!!!

How do you know if a woman that is poor who is between 18-24 years old is poor enough to do anything for money to help pay her bills? She would be working as a lesbian prostitute inside a lesbian hotel in San Francisco, CA.

What do a Family Dollar and an orphan have in common? They both have a "f" in "family."

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"

I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."

A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.

The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.

Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.

Who made the most money from 9/11? The US government.

Why did the football player go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

I don’t have enough money to buy cheese, could you provolone me some money?

Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.

A man enters the bank and says, "Hi, I'm robbing you!" The man was arrested instantly.

I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.

A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.

The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.

The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.

The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"

The bartender agrees without hesitation.

The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.

"WTF!" the man shouts.

The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Why did the Jew get an electric car?

Because he was afraid of the gas.

A prostitute walks in the bar, and she goes up to the bartender and says, "I just made $100 and 5¢ sucking dick." The bartender says, "Who gave you the 5¢?" The prostitute says, "They all did!"

Hey, I misplaced 2.1 trillion a few days ago, on September 7th, 2001.