Money jokes

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

I will pay someone to kill me.

What did the dime say to the penny? At least I have more cents than you.

Why do strippers never care about things?

Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for $20 an hour.

Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

How to get quick cash:

Step 1: Kill a child's parents.

Step 2: Do foster care for them.

Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching.

What did PETA say when a cheetah won 5 million dollars?

You can't beat a cheetah!

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50, that fuckin' whore.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

What did everyone say about the crazy unemployed homeless man?

He made no cents.