Mom jokes

When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.

Kid: Mom, what’s dark humor?

Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.

Kid: But, Mom, I’m blind!

Mom: Exactly.

I met another kid with Down syndrome the other day and attempted to talk to him. But my mom showed up and was asking me why I am talking to the mirror.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.

There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

Your dick is so small it's the size of a tic tac. Oh, that's why your mom's breath was so fresh last night.

At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"

I would make a joke about your mom, but cows are sacred in my country.

Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-

Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."

Orphan: And I took that, personally.

People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids.

I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.

What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher asked, "How many of you guys are Trump fans?" Since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands, well, except Little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "Why are you being different again, Johnny?" So Little Johnny says, "Well, because I'm a Democrat. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat!" So then the teacher responds with, "Well, what if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Well, Little Johnny says, "A Trump fan!"

Mom: Daddy, stop!

Me: No!

Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.

When you get mad, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their mom?

Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"

He waited for three hours to get an answer.

His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."