My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.
"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.
(Later)
"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"
What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."
While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.
I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?
What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"
A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."
Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."
Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."
My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.
Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.
So, two people are on a date and the guy says, "Wow, you are so beautiful!"
Then the girl says, "You just want to have sex!"
Then the guy adds, "SMART TO!"
Imagine Africans during a solar eclipse...
Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."
"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."
"What's been going on, John?" I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!
Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?
To take care of his erectile dysfunction.
A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."
My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
