Misunderstanding jokes

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.

I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.

He sure was a popular guy. Everywhere he went, people shouted “Hi Hitler” and gave him a little wave.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.