I am never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Mom asks, "Who are you talking to?"
The child said, "A mistake."
I thought God didn't make mistakes, but then I saw your face.
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.
Quit making plane jokes. They're just plane wrong.
Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?
And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Oofer.
What did God say when he made Jake Paul?
"Oops, I made a mistake."
My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
It's a grave mistake to talk badly about the death.
When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...
The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.
And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"
What do whales use to rub out a mistake in their homework? Their blubber.
I said "Uranus!" and the girl beside me face-palmed. I wonder what I did wrong?
