Mistake jokes

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.

Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...

You learn from mistakes!

That's why you're an only child!

What do whales use to rub out a mistake in their homework? Their blubber.

You just made a Mist-ake.

I said "Uranus!" and the girl beside me face-palmed. I wonder what I did wrong?

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.

And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"

My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"

I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."

It's a grave mistake to talk badly about the death.

The reason he died is that they accidentally flipped the wrong light switch.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

What did the cow call its own life? An udder mistake.

You know what is the worst mistake every human being made?

Answer: Living.

I thought God didn't make mistakes, but then I saw your face.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

I would like to thank my favorite President Barack Obama. Sorry, Barack Obama and my uncle Obama bin Laden. I mean Osama bin Laden. Sorry, hummus in my throat.

Why were the World Trade Center so mad? Because they ordered 3 pizzas, but 2 came in plane and 1 went to the wrong address.